This memorial website is dedicated to our special daughter Kayla Walters. She was Born too soon at 23 weeks as a result of severe pre-eclampsia. She is a miracle... weighed only 12 ounces but had the strength, courage and determination to be with us for 7 perfect days, 1 hour & 31 mins.
Born at Basingstoke Hospital on 2nd December 2005 at 1:14am and said goodbye on the 9th December 2005 at 2:25am in the Neonatal intensive care unit, St,Mary's hospital, Portsmouth.
She fought so hard to stay with us.
We will never forget you sweetheart. xx

My Story....

The 24th July 2005 was the day my life changed forever... i discovered i was pregnant. My dream had finally come true i thought- there is a god! I couldn't believe it- i had convinced myself i couldn't get pregnant and then there i was, growing this baby inside of me... a new life, how amazing. I had longed to be a mum.
My fiance Nick was shocked but over the moon. We were secretly trying for a while but still took some getting used to. We were so happy and couldn't wait to be parents... i knew we'd make a great mummy and daddy.
I felt in denial all the way through my pregnancy, even when i had morning sickness every day for the first 5 months. So much so that we decided we had to see it for ourselves in order to believe it. We couldn't wait til the 20 week scan so we paid to have a private 12 week scan. Wow! We could see this lively thing moving around kicking it's legs and waving it's arms. Then Nick said "so do you believe it now?" I couldn't believe my luck. She was 5.4cm long. We didn't know at this point that she was a girl- we wanted it to be a surprise! Even at the 20 week scan, we were tempted to find out but didn't. Although deep down i knew she was a girl. The 20 week scan showed a normal healthy baby which meant i could relax more and enjoy the rest of it. This was the start of visits to 'mothercare' and 'mamas and papas' which i endured for hours at the weekends, and i loved every second of it! Never will i feel as good as i did when i would purchase things for my baby. I would sacrifice anything for the thrill of getting something for her. Even trips to the supermarket, i would head straight to the baby section... i couldn't resist. My priorities had changed, and i wanted the absolute best for my much wanted baby. I was halfway there and couldn't wait to see what she looked like. Only 20 more weeks til i finally see... or so i thought.


On the 1st December 2005, my well deserved day off work. (It can be tiring being a nanny for 2 small children when you are 6 months pregnant.) I was now 23 weeks pregnant. I had a doctors appointment booked at 10:50am, followed by a blood test at 11. The blood test was routine for the app'mt with my kidney consultant on the 20th Dec and i wanted to see the doctor as i was in pain with my back and i knew it wasn't a kidney infection... it was a different, more agonising pain. Call it instincts but something didn't feel right. The gp then took my blood pressure and the look on her face said it all. "Is it high?" i remember saying. It was 180/110 and i had 4 traces of protein in my urine... i knew what that meant. I had read about this lots in the pregnancy books, it was pre-eclampsia. I think maybe i actually knew too much about this condition and knew how serious it was and how it can be fatal to both mother and baby. I was sent straight up to the day assessment unit at the maternity hospital where after more tests and checks it was confirmed. I went down for an ultrasound scan where it was also confirmed that i had a 'small baby' and i was told she hadn't grown since the 20 week scan due to the pre-eclampsia. I couldn't believe what i was hearing, i felt to blame. "How could i of let this happen?" "What did i do wrong?" My poor defenceless baby. This was not good! I felt so helpless. Surely i should have known something was different.
The consultant Ben O'sullivan arranged for me to have an appointment the following morning in Southampton to see a specialist. The aim was to get me to at least 24 weeks so my baby stood a better chance of survival. I was warned there may not be a heartbeat by the morning so i decided to stay overnight in the hospital, i wanted to be in the best place possible...


That night, like it's greek meaning 'a bolt from the blue', eclampsia struck. It was so severe, they had no choice but to deliver my baby... or else i was going to die. I wasn't going to make that appointment in Southampton and my baby didn't stand a chance of surviving... "Kayla Lilly Grace Walters" was born at 1:14am on the 2nd December 2005 weighing just 12 oz's (350g) by emergency c-section. Hours later i was woke up in intensive care by a lovely midwife called Claire to the words of "Jane, would you like to see your baby now?" I thought i was still dreaming but it was true... my daughter was alive, holding her own, and i was a mum. We had Kayla baptised and i was taken to see her before she was transported to the NICU at St.Mary's hospital, portsmouth where they have more efficient equipment and staff to cope with the high demands of such a premature baby. It was so hard being so far away from her, and i remained in intensive care until i was out of the woods. I didn't care about me, i just wanted to get strong to take good care and be there for Kayla... as that is what comes naturally to a mum. I was able to go and be with her 2 days later, and was taken by ambulance to Portsmouth hospital where i would still be a patient but able to visit my little girl on the unit.


We were told how babies that premature don't normally survive (as in theory she was only a 20 week old baby) but she was our 'miracle baby' and i had hope. She was mine, she was strong, she was determined, she was a fighter and she loved her mum and dad! She knew how much she was wanted and loved and she was going to make us proud... she sure did.
The first time i looked at her through the incubator, i couldn't help but smile. She had tubes all over the place, she was all scrunched up like a frog and she was an active little baby and loved to have her hands up to her face. I felt helpless, i wanted to hold and cuddle her but she hated to be touched. She was all snug in there and wanted to be left alone just like in my womb... she wasn't meant to be here yet, she should still be in me, growing and kicking me and laughing with me. She was Beautiful, and perfectly formed, the only thing that was missing was hair although she did have some blonde eyelashes and eyebrows. I couldn't believe she came out of me... she was all i could of hoped for and more, too perfect.
As the days went by we were warned by her neonatalogist that we were about to embark on the biggest emotional rollercoaster of our lifes... how true were these words. Kayla was struggling to maintain her bp, being on the maximum medication. Her line into her belly button was also leaking onto her skin and caused an infection... it looked so sore. I wished i could kiss her and make it all better, i longed to hold my baby. She had daily brain scans and they were always fine so the future looked promising. She had surived this long, surely she will continue battling against the doctors concerns? Every second of her life was crucial and we always had that hanging over our heads. Every moning when i was woke up for my early medication, we would ask the nurse to phone up NICU to see how she had coped in the night and one night it was touch and go, Kayla's condition was critical... and my dear fiance Nick set his alarm and went up to visit her every 2 hours in the night. I always felt guilty that i couldn't go up and see her as much as i would have hoped, but part of me couldn't bear to see her struggle for life and not be able to even hold her! I did however see kayla as much as my health allowed, and i loved showing her off to family when they came to visit... she was one popular lady and she made such an impact on everyone, especially her mummy and daddy. I was so proud she was mine... my little bundle of joy. Time felt precious.
On the 5th December, my 25th birthday- i had the best present of all. A card to her mummy from the best daughter in the world! It meant the world to me, it broke my heart. I wasn't expecting to be a mum this soon, it's as if she wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. I will never forget that day and no other birthday will ever be the same again. There i was on my 25th, a proud mum expressing milk for my baby for when she was well enough to have it. I thought they must be hopeful if they are encouraging me to express all the time... i felt so proud and managed to express lots which was all i could really do for her, other than that, i always felt so helpless.
One night the nurse asked if i wanted to change Kayla's nappy- i jumped at the chance. I was scared of hurting her as she was so tiny but one handed (due to the canula) i managed with the help of the nurse to change my daughters nappy for the first time... although i never realised it would be my last. Everyday we had hope she'd survive and live to be a mum of her own one day and perform in her school plays and exceed at her work. Regardless of the doctors negative but honest daily chats with us, we never gave up hope. We'd come this far, i was determined to take my baby home with me... she was a fighter. I was nothing without her, she was part of me, my hopes and dreams. 


On the 8th Dec, Nick and I couldn't believe she was almost a week old- it felt like a lifetime. We decided that we would go up at 1:14am on the 9th Dec to be with her and celebrate her week of life... and the best week of my life.
Although we didn't get as far as the alarm clock sounding. We were woken up by the staff nurse at midnight to say NICU had called and wanted us to go up there. We knew this was bad... we were both escorted up to the unit and neither of us could speak, I felt numb, i was fearfull, i knew it was the walk of doom. Yes, my worst nightmare was about to become a reality... there was nothing more they could do for our beautiful daughter. She was in pain and i couldn't bear the thought of it... we had to let her go.
I finally got to hold her, for the first and last time, out of the incubator and tube free, just the ventillator- they up'ed her morphine to the max so she wouldn't feel any pain, and we waited for our family to arrive to say their goodbyes but in the meantime enjoyed our final time with her. I couldn't take my eyes of her... she was so perfect and it was hard to accept but i had to be strong for her. It was amazing how she had opened her beautiful eyes, the image i can't erase out of my mind. She was getting her first and final look of her mum and dad and finally putting a face to the voice, and to say goodbye to us. She gazed into our eyes and stared so deep like she was looking into our soul. I will cherise that moment forever...

 
Mummy, daddy, grandad John, nanny Jean, Uncle Andy, Aunty Emma, Great-aunty Lillian, granny Diane, Uncle Justin, and Aunty Emma Walters all had a cuddle with Kayla, then they all went to the family room except for Nick and I. It was just the both of us there when we had to switch the ventillator off, we wanted our faces to go with her to heaven and didn't want any one else to watch her take her last breathe. Even then, she fought... for minutes, her tongue swirling around in her mouth and blowing bubbles in her mouth... it was beautiful seeing her breathe on her own, even though it was only for minutes. It felt like forever, i didn't want it to end. Kayla took her last breath at 2:45am on the 9th Dec and took the memory of us with her. Even up to then, she was gazing into our eyes- it was magical... she passed away peacefully in our arms and then she grew wings and flew up to god and all the other angels waiting for her. God decided she was too good for this cruel world we live in, and i'm sure my nan, gran and grandad and aunty Gillian and Grace are looking after her and she is playing above the clouds with Amelia and the other angels that were too beautiful for earth...


Pre-eclampsia stole more than my beautiful baby from me, it stole our hopes and dreams, it almost took my life. People say to me... "you'll have another baby"- but it doesn't take my pain away... i wanted Kayla, she was my first born, no-one will ever take her place. I miss her more than words can say, time might be a great healer as people say, but time will never make my pain go away. We buried our little angel on the 16th December 05, and this is the day that part of my soul went with her... until the day we meet again.


I can't reach out to comfort you or hold your tiny hand,
The precious dreams i held can't be forfilled the way i planned,
Sometimes i say a little prayer in hope, perhaps i might,
Have one last chance to tuck you in before i say goodnight,
So much i would of shared with you but as we had to part,
There's just an empty silence echoes in my heart.


Kayla, we think of you on two occassions... all day and all night.
I will cherish the memories and i wanted to tell you how proud i am of you, for your fight, determination and courage. You gave me the most wonderful 7 days, 1 hour and 31 minutes of my life. You were perfect in every way. You have taught me more about life in your short week on earth, than what i would have learnt in a lifetime. Sleep tight baby- I love you so much. xx

Kayla...

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
will change the way we feel.
For no-one knows the heartcahe,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
we have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something,
so there isn't any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

Would you???

Would you let me talk about my baby that died?

Would your heart be open to all the sadness that’s still inside of me?

Would you listen as I would tell you of the joy she gave to me?

Would you want to hear about her sweet beautiful, perfect face,

The toes and fingers that were all there?

Would you change the subject when I told you about her naming ceremony shortly before she died?

That they took off all the wires and tubes and that her life truly was coming to an end?

Would your face change when I told you that in my arms, she died?

Would you get up and walk away from me if I just had to tell you more?

About the perfection I held in my arms for such a very, very short time.

The tears I cried could have made a river as I had to let her go

Would you help to wipe away the tears as I told you more?

About the months she’s travelled with me in my heart and in my mind

Would you hug me and just listen about the pain that I endured?

Would you just be there quietly open to all the feelings I may need to express?


If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you have passed the test So many others could have failed and I would be alone, with no friend to share my precious daughter's life. I can’t and won’t forget her and I need to be able to talk about her. She is very real and precious to me. And you just passed the test.

Once i held an angel so very close to me
I watched her run and jump and dance
but only in my memory.
I waited for the day she'd come, she'd bring such joy to all
Then the Angel was called home,
she'd never had to fall.
She was too perfect for this world, she didn't need to stay.
She went straight up to heaven,
I'll join her there someday.

You don't know how i feel-
please don't tell me that you do.
There's just one way to know-
have you lost a child too?
"You'll have another child!"-
must i hear this each day?
Can i get another mother, too,
if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "Gods will"- That's not the god i know.
Would god on purpose break my heart,
then watch as my tears flow?
"Arn't you better yet?"
Is that what I heard you say?
NO! A part of my heart aches- I'll always feel pain.
You think that silence is kind,
but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child
who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me,
Although you do mean well.
They do not take the pain away;
I must go through this hell.
I will get better slow but sure-
And it helps to have you near.
But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child"
Is all i need to hear.

A million times i needed you
A million times i have cried
If love alone could have saved you,
you would have never died.
In life i loved you dearly, in death i love you still.
In my heart you hold a special place,
that none will ever fill.
It broke my heart to loose you, but you did not go alone.
For all my love went with you,
The day god called you home.

7 PERFECT DAYS, PRECIOUS MEMORIES TOO BUT WE NEVER WANTED MEMORIES,
WE ONLY WANTED YOU.

To the world - a baby
To us - the world.

You were our hopes and dreams.
We love you so much
We miss you dearly

Night baby girl, one day i'll hold you in my arms again. 

xxxxxxx